Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wingmen are important, what about wingwomen?

I know she is good looking. And I know she is interested. And I know that the shag is just a phone call away.

But the only image I remember in my head was her friend looking at me when we were talking.

What I see in that image makes my fingers go limp when thinking of texting this woman, whose face I barely see in that image in my head, even though it is in the foreground. Karma really is an asshole sometimes.


Girls walk around with less attractive women thinking it will make them look relatively more attractive, due to the comparison factor.

What actually happens,

"Guys, I'll go talk to her, who will jump on the grenade"

"Not me"
"I need to pee"
"I'll go play blackjack"
"Next round is on me"
"100 bucks"
"Go have a thr... four five some"



I don't expect any of my friends to jump on a female grenade when the risk exists that he will be blown out by the fugly, and he will be seen getting blown out by the fugly, losing his chances with the cutie over there. That would be cruel to him.

Neither do my friends expect it from me.

Enough women out there anyway, who think more of themselves than needing to wing with a flying warpig. Two swans walking in, now that is a grenade I'll throw my guys on to.

Impress you? Me? Must be joking.

Nordic Beyonce did not leave after the incident. She calmed down and started flirting.

Her boys started to leave so I told her

"I am in town for one more day. Join me tomorrow for a coffee by the river."

"You are handsome, interesting and charming, but I am not impressed"

"Impressed? That is one thing I was not trying to do."

She still does not know why I burst out laughing.

So let's see, she's got the looks? Yes. But then, close to 30? Yes. Bad attitude? Occasionally. Confortable with my touch? Yes, too comfortable. Flirtatious? Yes, she knows what she is doing. All these, plus other more subtle signs tell me she has been around few blocks.

A woman like that can tell me "No thanks.", but with the "I am not attracted" attitude. That is acceptable. She does not sleep with everyone, only with the ones she is attracted to. No biggie. I actually respect that kind of rejection.


"I am not impressed?"

In thousand years would I not think of trying to impress a woman who would only be good for a shag on the road trip.

Mutual attraction? Yes. Impressing her? For what?

Why would I even try to impress a woman who has apparently been the bicycle for a impressive amount of inhabitants of the impressive village.

A ride, cool. No ride, cool. Impress the cycle...? Pfffft...

Independent and strong, so what (possibly 1st in a series)

This girl was the friend of my friends' friends. A good looking busty brunette, in her late twenties.

During the chat, I needed to make sure I ma not treading in bad waters so I asked her,

"Who of these two is your boyfriend?"

She looked at me with the look you sometime see black chicks using (she was finnish, so we call her Nordic Beyonce), and saying

"I am not the girl who would be talking to you if I had a boyfriend"

"Fair enough"

"What do you think I am"

(with the look that some American-African women have when they are on their entitled ramblibgs, I call it the Beyonce face, but it is more like a hood rat holding her hands on her big hips and talking to you sideways, shaking her head in "I am an effing princes, biatch"... Anybody find a picture showing this, I'll put it here)


"What you are is not my business. Where I am walking is."

Later on she lectures me on Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moores marriage, saying that they are the perfect couple, as Ashton is in his sexual peak, and Demi is in her sexual peak. And that we guys know nothing.

Well, I know one thing, I'd choose to shag Bruce Willis's legal aged daughter, not his ex wife, any time, any day.

Who cares if Demi is in her peak, I'd every single time go for a twenty something who is not in her peak.

What matters is what peaks me.

But anyway, after this convo, I lost my feeling, and fittingly, not long later, I found a 20 cent piece lying on the floor.

So I picked it up,

Put it on the table, and said

"Someone left you a tip"

Stupid me, was expecting some humor from another aging strong and independent western woman. My mistake.

She pushes it away and harshly declares,

"I never took money from a man!"

I, irritated, but at last having some fun again,

"But, somebody saw it fitting to tip you", the twenty cent is in front of her again,

Pushes the cent away,

"I dont accept money from men"

I push it back,

"Well, here is the first time"


So I calmly take the twenty cent, plant it in the center of the table, lean slowly into her and say

"Short time ago, we had established that you have no boyfriend"

She nods

"Now we established you are not a prostitute."

It felt like I entered a women's studies course holding a banner saying "back to the kitchen bitch", She flipped, it was entertaining to see some independent and strong woman having her fuses blown. Over twenty effing cents.

This is not Bangkok, this is not Afghanistan. She is strong, she is independent. Yada yada yada.

Yea, strong and independent bore. 

Cant take a fucking joke.

I'll take the dependent sweet girl with a sense of humor anytime.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The unlucky bedouin

Have you heard of the unlucky bedouin?


Let me tell you a version of it:

I am sitting here, writing these stories, on a table with four couches. I occupy one, there are five places free.

These two blondies are looking for a place to sit. They look at me, at the places and ask the middle eastern guy on the next table if the two places across his couch are free.

The girls sit down.

That is all good. I can handle that. I can live with that.

But not if half a minute later, in some unintelligible language, using mostly his hands,  a middle eastern dude asks me if my couches are free.

That is the luck that gets you fucked by a polar bear; in the desert. That, is, what happened to the unlucky bedouin.

It took less than two minutes

I was in my usual place with two of my buddies, and we were just laughing by ourselves, blocking a passage.

Suddenly this cute little blondie walks into us, one of my guys immediately jumps in, "hello there". All surprised, she looks up at us and sees me, her eyes light up;

"Oh hi, how have you been?"

I said I was laughing, but I was in the same time irritated at myself for not putting my guys in their place as they had stepped out of line a few moments ago; and not recognizing her;

"Great. Am I supposed to know you?"


"What Ben?"

"You are not Ben?"

"I am not Ben. You usually forget guys you f%¤ked?" (I mentioned I was irritated at myself, and it reflects to the outside, even if I was smiling as I said this)

"Oh, no I did not sleep with Ben."

"Big B..."

"He was too big. Big Ben. Kind of like you. He wanted to go on a date but I did not."

"Hmmm... Let's see. I dont do dates, but I am enjoying this. I want to fool with karma and ask you to join me on a date"

"Oh, no, no, I cannot, I have a boyfriend"

"Oh well, karma does not want to play"

All the time looking into her eyes, I stop talking. It takes her a few moments and she says

"I.. I... really need to go. I am confused"

"Confused." I restate.

"I am confused now" and runs away.Literally runs.

As karma has it, she goes and joins a group where we have some mutual friends.Who, if they were to talk about me would just quadruple her confusion about me.

This conversation took less than two minutes.

And she was confused.

It took two minutes to put doubt into her head.

A guy faster, better, more relentless would put more than doubt into her.

I myself, would need five minutes. Not more.

This is all it would take for her to forget she has a boyfriend.

Two to five minutes, depending on the skill.

It took less than thirty seconds

It was the cursed night where I was bombed to oblivion with Jaegermeister, and went for the cheek of the girl who was going for my lips, a girl I have been after, a barely legal blondie, Claudia, we call her. Never totally recovered from that mistake, till last weekend, when she saw things about me she thought were not possible, that put me back into her head. But, that story will not be written.

What will be written is how a nineteen year old girl (not Claudia) got me into testosterone overload in less than thirty seconds.

I was talking to Claudia, drunk as hell, when this friend of hers turned towards us, towards me. Nineteen, tall, but definitely not in my standards of looks.

She turned towards me, came to my face, in a totally controlled calm manner started a full on flirt attack on me, in front of her friend.

Me, drunk, having my eyes on Claudia, not the friend, ignored this full on sexual assault, and defused the situation by telling the girl to go and join a theater club.

Later I realized I had forgotten about Claudia and was thinking about this girl, and thinking about the potential that she possesses for passion. A nineteen year old girl, with that talent. Damn.

Nineteen. That level of skill.Remarkable, admirable, and definitely damn hot.

Blew my hormone glands.

It took her less than thirty seconds, but here I am three months later, having not seen her again, still wondering;

What if I had switched?

What's a man got to do?

You talk to more than few girls in a row, getting shot down, you are called a loser.

You talk to more than few girls in a row, making them melt, you are called a player.

You talk to only one girl for a long time, and the next one says "But your girlfriend"

You go out with your friends, meet an a guy from the old times, start having a talk with him about his life and kids, and you get the barmaid tell you that "Wow, you are a handsome couple"

A buddy who hits on everything that moves, including female hedgehogs, sees me talking to all these people in the bar, without hitting on any of them, "Dude, you treat the nightclub like a cocktail event, talking to people and sh%t"

You cannot please everybody.

What's a man got to do, you ask.

A man's got to do whatever frek he wants to do.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

"I have a boyfriend"

"You should have persisted man, it was a test"

"You should have persisted man, maybe the boyfriend is no good"

"Man she was just seeing how much you wanted her"

"Look guys, be cool as me. Look at all the girls cheating on their boyfriends with me"

"You should have said "It is great you have found someone who fully completes you", and destroy him"

"You should have said "I have a girlfriend...""

"You should have said, "Is he so controlling"

"Dude, you should have gone on, clearly the relationship is almost over"

And so on, and so on.



It almost does not matter when she says it, I am out.

I got no time for that shit.

Seriously, let's look at the possibilities:

She is saying it so you go away

Go away. Life is too short for women who cannot appreciate me when I approach.

She is saying it to see if this will stop you or not

So you want to start a relationship, even a short one, with a scheming bitch? Who cannot be honest from the get go? What if you prove that you do not get scared by a possible boyfriend in the background. What is the next test? To see if you will plummel through a "No sex tonight", "Not now", "No", at the wrong time and fail? Fuck up your life? Tell the judge "But she liked it when I did not listen to her rejections before"? What? You will start any kind of relationship with being manipulated to show you will jump three times for her?

She is a bitch, move on.

She is saying it, has a boyfriend, but is open to new possibilities

Allright, almost the same as above, except, you are starting a relationship, even a short one, that you accept cheating. You take a cheating bitch into your life. What if one day you will be on the receiving end? Like it was said in Pulp Fiction once you suck a cock, you will suck all cocks; once she cheats, she has gone over to the other side. Why knowingly risk? You are such a super stud that never ever will a bigger better deal approach her again?

She is a cheating bitch, move on.

She is saying it, has a boyfriend, and is not open to new possibilities.

"You're cool. Introduce me to some attractive friend of yours"

If she was sincere, she will do it. Otherwise, move on.

In all these cases, she is testing you, and the only way to succeed in a way that benefits you is to walk away, except if she introduces you to her single friends.

"Persist man, persist"


1. It is not an honor badge to fuck someone else's girl, actually it is easier to bang taken girls.

2. I have no intention of kissing the lips with someone else's spit one them, let alone have sex with a girl who has her boyfriend's dick droplets having a pool party in her

3. Got no intention of putting myself in way of harm for some poon. The most common reason for assault being jealousy.

4.The gorgeous girl who is standing a meter away from me and the bitch is possibly single, so why not go talk to her?

5, 6, 7, 8,...

There is one exception:

The girl who says "I have a boyfriend" after a long chat/flirt.

If I see longing in her eyes, I know she will not cheat, I also know she will be available in due time. So she is forgiven, numbers exchanged, and she will call, I wil lanswer.

If I see nothing in her eyes, I know I was played, cut my losses and move on.

See, it is a choice, unless it is the case where I see genuine interest and stubborn faithfulness to a dead relationship in her eyes,

"I have a boyfriend"


There is always a better prospect not ten seconds walk away. Always. Repeat: Always.

And many times, I had a woman looking after me, perplexed, when I turned and left.

Testing me with your shit, can leave you holding shit in your hands, ladies. Shit bounces. Shit sticks. And stinks.

So many men, so little time

"So many men, so little time"

Say it to your girlfriends, to your gay

friends, and the guys who are so civilized they forgot they have

"So many men so little time"

"Continue with this mentality, and
a little more, very little more time later, this one man whose eyes
you are falling into will not have the time for you"

Women are predictable

She was the best looking girl in the bar, the best dressed, and the best dancer.

Gorgeous woman.

She bitched on my friend, who she knew before hand, some cock tesong stuff,

She bitched on his friend, the way they usually bitched,

I was enjoying my beer by the bar.

Beer does not stay in the glass, so I had to get a new one, turn around to the bar, and there she is standing by the bar.

I get beside her, and this takes place in the next fifteen seconds (yes, rehearsed it just now):

I say, "You know all my friends here." she nods in recognition; I continue, "you know ___, ___, ___. even ___", she nods.

I look at her, say "But you don't know me." now she is looking at me, and I continue "Good so" turn my head, she is still looking at me, I notice the jaw drop, and continue "Better for you"-

At that moment, she hastily got pulled to the dancefloor by her friend who hit on me once, on a bad day, to get rejected, and then when I hit on her few weeks back shot me down, talk about ego. Holding a grudge for over a year.

I order my beer and turn to another friend of mine, when predictability shows its entertaining face.

I felt fingers on my back, scratching me,

Only to be ignored by yours truly.

I love this.

I just love this.

Veni vidi semi-vici, no rush on that. Time will come for the conquest of the eastern forests. A little fire to clear the way, always, always makes the invasion easier.